2nd
bittersweet.
i finally get to go home today. i get to shower in my shower, sleep in my bed. fuck yah. but it’s not going to be the same homecoming without my little man. i knew going into this whole water breaking fiasco that i would be going home without him, but to actually now be in the act of going home.. ugh. it makes me cry and hurts my heart. [not to mention the crazy hormones going thru me, or well, emptying out of me]
part of me feels like we are abandoning him. but that’s not true or real. even when i’m here, i can go and see him whenever i want, but i’m only allowed to hold him when we feed him.. at 10, 2 and 6 around the clock. it’s so frustrating. but he’s doing great. he never needed any sort of breathing apparatus, or anything else like that… they have him on a feeding tube thru his nose because he’s still learning how to suck, swallow and breathe at the same time, but yesterday morning he did do it all at the same time for 4 minutes, and they were so impressed. they have been giving him sugar water thru an IV to get his weight up, but in the past day and a half he’s been eating more momma food and they have lowered the IV fluids, and hope in two days he will be off the IV altogether. another small victory for olii. and they still have him in a little incubator to keep him warm. he’s not doing horribly bad with maintaining his body temperature, but it’s still one of those things he would have developed more had he stayed in those 6 weeks. that’s why we are only allowed to hold him at feeding times.. they want to keep him in the incubator as long and as much as possible.
i’m not going to lie. it’s not easy to only be able to touch him with our hands in his ‘bator. we both want so badly to just hold him all day and pass him back and forth and kiss him and play with him and all that. but we couldn’t ask for him to be doing any better than he is. it’s just hard on us. hopefully with me home and all, our moods will improve since we aren’t sitting around this hospital any more.
after my surgery, my doctor informed me that i have a heart shaped uterus. oliver would have never flipped around, so this c section was unavoidable. it’s pretty annoying too. every time mitch makes me laugh i feel like i’m dying. and when i cough. other than that though, it’s not as bad as i was expecting. i can walk and sit up. the worst part is going from laying down to sitting up. you really don’t realize how much you use your stomach muscles until they are all sewn up. mitch says i have a heart shaped uterus because i’ve got so much love. haha, he always knows what to say to make me feel better. today i was warned that when [and if!] we decide to have more babies, it’s going to be bed rest haven again.
oh man.
