the tatt'd mom.

bittersweet.

i finally get to go home today. i get to shower in my shower, sleep in my bed. fuck yah. but it’s not going to be the same homecoming without my little man. i knew going into this whole water breaking fiasco that i would be going home without him, but to actually now be in the act of going home.. ugh. it makes me cry and hurts my heart. [not to mention the crazy hormones going thru me, or well, emptying out of me]

part of me feels like we are abandoning him. but that’s not true or real. even when i’m here, i can go and see him whenever i want, but i’m only allowed to hold him when we feed him.. at 10, 2 and 6 around the clock. it’s so frustrating. but he’s doing great. he never needed any sort of breathing apparatus, or anything else like that… they have him on a feeding tube thru his nose because he’s still learning how to suck, swallow and breathe at the same time, but yesterday morning he did do it all at the same time for 4 minutes, and they were so impressed. they have been giving him sugar water thru an IV to get his weight up, but in the past day and a half he’s been eating more momma food and they have lowered the IV fluids, and hope in two days he will be off the IV altogether. another small victory for olii. and they still have him in a little incubator to keep him warm. he’s not doing horribly bad with maintaining his body temperature, but it’s still one of those things he would have developed more had he stayed in those 6 weeks. that’s why we are only allowed to hold him at feeding times.. they want to keep him in the incubator as long and as much as possible.

i’m not going to lie. it’s not easy to only be able to touch him with our hands in his ‘bator. we both want so badly to just hold him all day and pass him back and forth and kiss him and play with him and all that. but we couldn’t ask for him to be doing any better than he is. it’s just hard on us. hopefully with me home and all, our moods will improve since we aren’t sitting around this hospital any more.

after my surgery, my doctor informed me that i have a heart shaped uterus. oliver would have never flipped around, so this c section was unavoidable. it’s pretty annoying too. every time mitch makes me laugh i feel like i’m dying. and when i cough. other than that though, it’s not as bad as i was expecting. i can walk and sit up. the worst part is going from laying down to sitting up. you really don’t realize how much you use your stomach muscles until they are all sewn up. mitch says i have a heart shaped uterus because i’ve got so much love. haha, he always knows what to say to make me feel better. today i was warned that when [and if!] we decide to have more babies, it’s going to be bed rest haven again.

oh man.

sleeping aid.

7:30 am.

oliver kingslee george.

send your positive vibes our way. please and thank you.

xoxo.

take a day.

sooooooooooo..

had an ultrasound today. lost more fluid. i knew that already. but on his little test, he scored another perfect score.. it’s a combination of 2 points for movement, tone, fluid and lung inflation or something along those lines. don’t know how it can be perfect with low fluid, but whatever, i don’t make the rules. anyway, after the ultrasound they sent in the douchebag of all doctors. he made me cry. :[

he basically didn’t even bother to read my little file or anything and just made assumptions. he told me they were going to try and keep me here until 35-36 weeks. that’s what made me cry. i just kept thinking, “i can’t sit in that room and stare at those walls anymore!” i’m not trying to be selfish in anyway, i want the very best for oliver but i freaked. mitch is home from tour and i’m not working and leaving my room today to go get the ultrasound was the first time in 8 days i had seen outside this room. it’s just been so overwhelming. just too much at times. anyway, they brought me back upstairs and my mom and mitch were waiting and i was crying and the nurses came in and everyone was asking what he said… ugh. it was too much. i hate not knowing, i hate having to wait every day to find out what the hell is going on.

well then my actual doctor, or one of the 3 i see, came in. and she FINALLY gave me the game plan. she called the douchebag doctor from the perinatal office and they decided they are going in to get oliver on THURSDAY. i won’t know the exact time of my c section [which i have to get because oliver is breeched] until wednesday, but it’s a go for thursday.. here i thought i would be 34 weeks on friday, but i’m not any good at math, clearly.. so thursday it is. dr. yeh [pronounced yay.. haha] explained the whole surgery to me, what to expect, yada yada.. and said i would be good to go home on monday. still a week a way, but at least the second half of it my boy’s going to be here. clearly, we won’t know when oliver can come home until he’s out and all, but i’ve been told everything from 6 weeks to 3 days. we’re just trying to keep positive spirits and vibes and hope he can come home as early as possible. thankfully we literally live within walking distance and can come and spend every day with him until he can come home.

so clearly, all i ask is that everyone send their positive vibes towards his little spirit so that he is healthy and comes home as soon as possible. i’m not even worried about myself, i know i will recover fine from this. i’m a trooper, it’s just some stitches and pain. i’ve had similar surgery in the same spot so i have an idea of what to expect. and many people have said they want to come see him, but nicu rules are parents and grandparents, so as soon as he’s home we can arrange his first meet and greet.

mitch will be returning to tour august 12th. he won’t be home for my birthday.. :[ but i understand and it’s just another birthday. plus, oliver will be here so it will be special enough in itself to have him here.. and to be able to have a margarita! damn, i have missed those. i would like to do something, maybe dinner or something.. i guess we will seeeee what happens in the next few weeks.

damn, life is nuts sometimes.

august 1st.

so the doctor came in today and pretty much assured me that they are going to slice me open next friday and get this boy out. it doesn’t seem as though my condition is going to get better, so as long as it doesn’t get worse…

.. oliver kingslee will be born on august 1st. 14 days before my birthday, and making him a leo, just like me. i wonder how that dynamic is going to work out, with us both being fire signs, and mitch being a water sign. a big ole stubborn ass family, probably.

mitch wasn’t here with me today. he was out doing some sort of surprise. it’s 7 and he’s been gone since 12. very sneaky, that one. it makes me super curious as to what he could possibly have been doing all day long. i decided today i am not a fan of surprises. at all. but in his absense, my friend lauren came to see me. i haven’t seen lauren in years, literally. her husband is in the navy and they are getting ready to deploy to JAPAN! they have two kids, both under 4… what a life. i think we relate well to each other because she spends a lot of time alone with her husband at sea, and i spend a lot of time alone with mitch on tour. even though there’s a huge difference with those scenarios, when it comes down to it in the end, it’s really the same thing. it was nice to have someone to ask questions to that can understand my lifestyle, even to the smallest extreme. motherhood questions, of course. it seems to really be all i can think about, as i only have a week to prepare myself instead of the 7 i thought i had.

the only thing that upset me about her coming to visit, was that i again was reminded how shitty some of my “close” friends are. i think i’m just going to stop calling them close friends altogether at this point. i’ve been in here for almost a week, and she’s the only friend to have come see me. [sidenote to those who have planned arrangements to come see me; that’s different] my life is super changing really super fast and i’m dropping people faster than i would normally, but i really don’t need the bullshit. [[thank you lauren, for coming today and sitting with me. it was awesome and i am really happy you came. really. you opened my eyes to all kinds of things. xo]]

so mitch found out yesterday that metro is going to australia. he’s going to miss lisa and ryan’s wedding at the end of september to go, but how awesome of an experience for him?! i’m a little jealous, but he really deserves this. he’s been doing this shit for years now, and it’s finally starting to pay off. i really couldn’t be more proud of him! we still aren’t sure when he’s going to meet back up with the boys, his assistant mr. chris v himself, has been doing a great job taking care of things for mitch while he’s home, but he will need to get back out there. i’m anticipating he’ll stay home for 2 weeks or so after oliver comes home.. hopefully he stays long enough to spend a birthday with me. he’s never been home for my birthday before!

mitch is here with my cheesesteak. yum.

24/23

my 24th birthday is in 23 days. i don’t feel 24. i don’t think i look 24. actually, someone at the hospital thought i was 16. i guess i should take that as a compliment.. ?

i wonder what this birthday is going to be like. will oliver be here? they keep telling me different things. now they are saying if i stop leaking for longer than 5 days and he passes his little water/weight/movement/diaphragm test they will send me home.. still on bedrest until he comes. i mean, bedrest at home would be much sweeter than sitting here all day long.. more than 8 channels! woo hoo!.. but i think i am starting to get a little stressed out about all the uncertainty. oh, and they let me shower today. that was sweeeeet. well, it’s one more day down and however many more to go.

in all my spare time here at glorious doylestown hospital, i have complied a list of goodies for my birthday. i am on this whole knee high boot kick. well, boots in general. i already have a boat load of sneakers and i’m not much of a heel wearer.. especially now that i will have baby in tow. but i’ve been obsessing over boots lately.

i want them, all. and will most likely end up purchasing them for myself, but whatever, still a birthday treat! i also plan on getting myself some sort of new wardrobe. if olii is already here, then i think i deserve one. if he’s not, then i will wait till he comes THEN go and get one. it’s been super hard to not buy all the cute clothes this summer. really hard. ya’ll don’t even know.

ok well another day down. another day of sitting around at this tacky wall paper to look forward to.

day 3 & counting.

day three at the hospital is almost over. without a doubt one of the most boring and uncomfortable times in my life. my mom keeps saying, “this baby obviously wants to be with you..” which is sweet in nature but oh man, i don’t think i will have any other children after this.

not knowing i was pregnant till i was 4 months… then ending up in the hospital four months later because he’s all ready to come out?! damn, son. literally, damn. he’s in a rush to make some sort of impact on my life and this world. and he’s made me a nervous wreck in the meantime.

a quick update on his cooking:

clearly, he’s still in there. the whole water breaking/leaking has become less. i seem to be keeping it in there, he has about 50% of his fluid left. but i suppose sitting and laying around 24/7 will stop anything from leaking out. [ew, kinda gross, my apologies] he weighs 4.5 pounds which is on the bigger side of babies at almost 33 weeks. and he seems to be inflating his diaphragm really well on his own. so in another day or two i will be getting another ultrasound to check his weight and fluids again. at this point in a pregnancy, for those who don’t know.. the babes gain about half a pound a week. so they want to make sure he’s still plumping up with the little room he’s got in there. so, still sitting and waiting.. waiting.. waiting. the perinatologist [in the womb high risk baby doctor] says that 90% of women who’s water breaks prematurly delivers in a week. so a week would put me at saturday. its tuesday night..

basically, this is really nerve wrecking. not so stressful since i really just sit around and wait all day.. but it’s just hard to not be able to know what’s really going to happen, or when. i shall survive. on top of it all.. i’m not allowed to shower.. i have these ted leggings on from toe to thigh to prevent embolisms- they are so tight and ridiculous. then i have to wear these monitors on my belly with this girdle like thing to hold them on.. and today they finally allowed me a commode, instead of a bed pan. [gross again, my bad] ugh. oh man, i am just complaining at this point. i know it’s all for the good of my lil man, but i’ll tell you when he’s 13 and acting like a weenus, i’m going to hold this shit over his head. seriously. he won’t ever forget what i went through.

we will see what tomorrow brings.